Anne

I got to thinking about Jason today, and wondering what might have been. If I had been normal, would we be married? Is that what he wanted from me or am I just flattering myself? Stupid question really. I know that is what he wanted. But why did it freak me out so bad? It wasnt the sex thing. I cared for him. I loved him in my own way. "I loved you. Did you hear me I loved you! And what did it get me? Yeah I'll tell you a big nothing. You're like a sponge, you take take, take and drain others of their love and emotion." Sorry. Bit of Rocky Horror moment there. It was the general idea. Of being twenty and married. Knowing it would be him and him only for the rest of my life. And he wasnt >. That was the long and short of it. I was so in love with >. I knew what I felt for Jason wasnt that all consuming, knock you off your feet, take your breath away kind of love. I knew I would always wonder if I married Jay if there wasnt someone out there that wasnt gay that could make me feel like that. After ten years I have of course figured out ther is no one else, and that I probobly should have married Jason and been done with it. But I still cant imagine it. Me? Someones wife? Someones mother? I mean we are talking about someone who never thought she would see her 21st bday, and is now staring 30 in the face with a combination of awe and disbelief. What happened? I was supposed to life hard and die young. I lived hard alright but what happened to dying young? Poor Jason. I always thought he felt about me how I felt about >. That of course didnt hit me until a few years to late. I never considered his feelings. Ever since I did though I have felt nothing but regret. If I was his true love I could have married him. Knowing that I made him feel that way would have been enough. I often wonder what happened to him. I want to hear that he is happy. That he didnt feel that way about me and I didnt have any lasting effect in his life. Ah well, one can dream...