Well, we are moving. I am sick of moving. This is the 15th time I have moved in my life. I really do just want to settle somewhere. I am sick of living out of boxes and moving all the fucking time. It seems inevitable that I will settle here. I don’t want to, but I have to. I am just too attached to the family. Even when Ama passes away I don’t think I will be able to leave. Not with my mom being sick. I am the only child and it is my duty to take care of her. And I am not one to argue with that. No matter how much I dislike it. Hell if I settle for awhile maybe I can figure some shit out.

Like what to do with my life. Now that my dad knows about the abuse, that really opens some doors for me. I have always wanted to do some form of education. Tell parents how important it is to explain to their kids things like the proper names for the vagina and penis. Don’t make it something stupid and playful. They need to take their bodies seriously. Know where they shouldn’t be touched and why. Not only that but the schools don’t teach shit about sex education. No condoms, no other prevention just abstinence. That is all well and good but we know that most people aren’t going to do that so why not arm our children with the knowledge they need to protect themselves? If you take away the mystery and the guilt you might get somewhere.

That is like abortion for me. I do not like the fact that it is legal. You are taking a human life. If your gonna play, you have pay. Take responsibility for your actions. But it needs to be legal. The government should not have that kind of control over your body. I trust to the fact that I have the morals not to get an abortion. I understand the consequences of my actions and am willing to pay the price. And I need to truly deal with the fact that I will never have a kid of my own.

Every time I go visit marlena and mon It wears on me. Jesus is so cute. Just what I always wanted. My little half white half Mexican baby. He is so happy and adorable. In a way I am glad the decision has been taken out of my hands. This must be the gods way of saying I would not make a good mother, But that doesn’t mean I don’t the opportunity. Most of the time I think I have death with this, and then it just comes back and bites me in the ass. I get so mad when I see my friends with kids who don’t want then, can’t discipline them, and just don’t care. I have to admit I don’t want to be pregnant. That thought of that grosses me out. It is just weird that there would be a human being inside me. But sometimes I think the end result would be worth it. That is why I am in such a hurry to get a hysterectomy; I truly want the decision to be irreversible. When it’s done it’s done and I don’t have to think about it. And I won’t be in so much pain. Having endometriosis sucks.

I also need to be better to my friends. I have just been so wrapped up in myself. I don’t think I have ever been this wrapped up in my won drama. I don’t usually have this kind of drama. I guess that is what I get living with a Virgo and a Leo. And having a Virgo and a Leo as two of my best friends. Amanda, being a Libra is a relief. Not much drams with her. She is smart and concise in her decisions. Most of the time. That thing with Devon really freaked me out. I had no idea she could act so irrationally. But love will do that to you. That is something I wish I could make people believe. That I would be perfectly happy to be alone the rest of my life. It isn’t the sex thing. Falling in love with hurt so bad. I think I already said this in a previous entry, but I am pretty high and it is almost 4am, so oh well. I am tired of people thinking I am a dyke just because I am not constantly dating someone.

Part of it is the endo. I feel so sick all the time I can barely keep up with my friends let alone a boyfriend. He is gonna wanna touch me and I am going to have to say Leave me alone, I hurt and I have diarehha. Real attractive eh? Another aspect I hate about being sick is not being able to keep up with josh. He doesn’t understand how sick I am and there is just no way to make him understand. He thinks I should be like I used to be. Able to drink like a fish and party three days a week. First of all, I don’t have the money, and second liquor either makes me puke or gives me other stomach issues. He really doesn’t get that at all. The is one of the draw backs to having a Virgo for a best friend. You can explain things until you are blue in the face but they are very good at selective listening. He thinks it is lack of want on my part. I don’t want to go out with him. I don’t want to do shots of firewater. I don’t want to spend time with him. If we could do something other than clubbing it would be great. Neither of us have the money at this point and we don’t have our own places so that doesn’t help any.

I just wish I could get through to him. I wish I knew what I wanted out of life. I wish I new what I needed. What it is that pushes me to drugs for an escape? What creates this aching void inside of me? The problem is I haven’t really given it much thought. I cant. When I try and I cant figure it out I get so mad. I can solve everyone problems but my own which is fine most of time. But this is important. I can feel it. If I can find this one key thing and even be able to work toward it I would feel better. Even knowing I would never attain it. I’m not stupid after 28 years I have figured out I am not meant to have much of anything. But I know I need a sense of purpose. Something to make me feel useful on a daily basis. Which I guess goes back to the teaching. Maybe that is it. Maybe I am meant to educate people. Make them feel better about themselves and their choices and abilities before they get to self critical. I know that helping people makes me feel good. It makes me feel like I am putting my talents to use. But could I make a career out of it? Or even a hobby. I am so used to people pretending to listen to me that I am not sure what I would do with a room full of people actually paying attention. Just pretend that they aren’t and continue to prattle on I guess.