Anne,

You know these are the worst months of the year for me. August is when Apa died, and september is his birthday. Until those days pass I am pretty much worthless. And then Tia died. I found out my dad doesnt love me and never has. My favorite uncle molested one of my cousins. I have never really questioned my judgement of other people until now, and it is really hard for me. Especially with my dad. I am beginning to hate him Anne, and I never thought that could happen. The things he has said to me over the past two months I would not have imagined him saying to me in my wildest dreams or worst nightmares. He took the only remaing constant I had away and shattered my soul. I always thought that no matter what, my dad would be there for me. His love for me would never fail to be the healing balm I needed sometimes to repair my weary heart and soul. And I was wrong. So wrong all these years. Now that that love is gone, I am lost. Adrift in a sea of self loathing, hatred and anger. I dont want to be alive anymore. I am so tired. I have now lost everthing. My secrets, my privacy. I hate just about everyone and everything. And yet I still cannot let go. Something stays my hand and leaves me sitting all night long looking at all those pain pills sitting on my dads table I know would mean my end. Staring at the sharpest knife we have yet being unable to pick it up. It is not fear. That is what pisses me off so much. I am not afraid. There is just this overwhelming feeling that now is not the time. That hurts most of all. How can now not be the time? When there is pretty much nothing left, and I dont have the strength to pick up and go on? Am I to sit here and wait for the final blow? The thing that drives me to edge and shoves me over screaming into insanity? And people say god has a plan for me. What? Am I some sick and twisted experiment in how far you can push a person? What it takes to make them break? Because that it is how I feel. And the next person who tells me god has a plan for me? I will hunt you down and slap you upside the fucking head for saying such nonsense. It doesent soothe me in anyway shape or form. It makes me want to kill or be killed.