Anne,
I often wonder what loneliness feels like to other people. Is it lonely like I feel lonely? It is so hard for me to explain to people. Or it used to be. It is not that I want a husband or a boyfriend. Not that kind of lonely. Not that I lack friends. I have always been the type to surround myself with a small circle of people I love and who love me. That circle is still intact, and yet the loneliness gnaws at me. Filling me with a thirst I long to quench. a hunger I long to sate. A void I would fill at any cost. If I could. It has taken me 29 years to figure it out, but I know what I want now. Understanding. From someone. Anyone. It hit me three weeks ago on the way to a cousins wedding. I am riding with bob, who is in a foul mood. After ten minuets I am in a foul mood because he is playing willie nelson despite the fact I have said a hundred times I hate country music and willie and dwight yokam in particular. After that he puts in some country band called big and rich, which I quickly add to my country music I hate list. Then, he reaches for dwight. I cannot take it anymore and ask him to please not play that. He looks at me and says "It's my car." That is when it hits me. First, our friendship is over as of this moment and second, I just want someone to understand me. To me, it is common fucking sense not to play the type of music the person in the car with you hates while you yell at her because she doesnt know where you are. Despite the fact you have said you hate said music and have never once in your life been to where the two of you are going. Your car or not. If that kind of common courtesy cant come to you naturally or you force it away, you can get the fuck out of my life. Each friend I have understands one side of me. Maybe two. But never the whole picture. I want someone who understands everything. Someone I dont have to spend time explaining myself to over and over. I want someone to understand the depth of my depression and why at times I need my masks. That it is because I cannot face the world without them at sometimes. That my biggest fear is that more people will now I am vulnerable than I think need to. Why I am against abortion but I would have to vote pro choice. Why i am against abortion and see nothing wrong with the death penealty. How I can be so attracted to men and yet be so afraid. Understand my ideas of logic. My ideas of romance. Not to make them their own, or to agree with them, just to understand them. But then again, I always want things I cant have.