Today is a big day of laundry and writing my contribution to the team paper--stars with life-bearing planets. Woke up to Aaron upset at Lloyd crying about his band-aid falling off his little toe overnight. The only good thing about Aaron seeing what the matter was was putting Lloyd's markering on the wood steps to a halt. I laid down with Lloyd awhile. His overwet diaper caused my premature rise. Lloyd is just so darn cute. Last night Aaron said he doesn't like Lloyd. I entertained the thought and wished I hadn't. I can't believe it. People deep down are all the same--stuffed animals. I told him Lloyd was a much better person than he and I were and that desiring a life other than the one he had was going to be all painful. I also reminded him that he'd been on drugs all Lloyd's life and was he sure he didn't like HIM. I answered for him. It's obvious he was speaking about not liking himself, not his child. Aaron was a bit ticked and said I know everything. Could have said I think I know everything. Could have said I don't know everything. I heard right, then.

I am seriously considering talking to my dad about my papa's empty house. I'd have to have an alarm installed because, I'm telling you right now, I'm afraid I'll get raped in that neighborhood. That's all someone could get from me. I don't have stacks of money lying around or anything. In fact, I'll have to get the babies on WIC and look into the whole food stamp program. Sounds awesome :(

My dad'll probably say no and to live with him instead. No thanks. Same situation I've got here--three great kids belittled by a selfish man with problems. My dad is okay but I don't want anyone taking care of me where I am supposed to take care of myself. Giving me papa's house, visiting us, and trusting me would be divine.

Anybody see Primer, read Naked Lunch? Aaron has said he'll leave the country if alone. He's a gifted artist inside. He'll see one day that's it for him. My kids and I will always have that--touched by an artist. I wish he would do it. How bold and attractive.

Most likely no one is going anywhere, but you know how the mind takes you on tangents.