July 15, 2005

For immediate release.

Memo to all Republicans:

Regarding cowardly Democratic charges that Karl Rove leaked the identity of Valerie Plame, thus weakening the ability of the United States to protect against a WMD attack, Our Dear Leader is in trouble and we need your help. These guidelines will help you defend Our Glorious Leader and let us get back to the business of ruling this country like kings.

1. Ensure that your Reality Inverter is charged and operational. If you can say "Karl Rove is the hero here, not Joe Wilson" with a straight face your unit is operational. If you can say this and believe it, it is fully charged. (Warning: Do not operate the unit while driving or operating heavy machinery) (note that this implies that you should not listen to Rush Limbaugh during drive time).

2. While many of the media (including the Wall Street Journal, Fox News and CNN) are doing their part, others haven't yet joined the program. Those who resist the influence of the GOP National Reality Inverter can be dealt with by barraging them with a torrent of 'information'. Do not pause to construct rational arguments. Instead simply take any statement which is critical of Our Maximum Leader and invert it e.g. "Bush's reluctance to investigate this treasonous act shows he's not serious about protecting the country." becomes "The Democrats' reluctance to drop this investigation shows that they are not serious about protecting the country." If we inundate them with enough 'information' they will not be able to fact-check our assertions and will have no choice but to simply disseminate them, thus turning them into unofficial GOP media outlets.

3. The few remaining media outlets with integrity who are able to resist the attack of our GOP Slime Machine (tm) can be dealt with by organizing protests. A useful rallying cry which our Fox media division has found to be effective is that they are not being "Fair and Balanced."

Lastly, remember that in the event that the US is attacked by terrorists who obtained WMDs obtained from little known former Soviet Union countries such as Latvia, Estonia or Russia, remember that we will have the upper hand if we immediately swing into full battle mode and blame it on the Democrats (see example in #2 above).

All Hail He Who Can Do No Wrong!