I intended this to be about what I was up to during Q2 but realized that it would require context to make sense which requires going back four years ago. I’ll try to keep it brief but no promises. :)

In Q2 of 2006 two major life events occurred - I discontinued my six year run of consulting and contracting to take a salaried position and I began the process of ending my marriage.

Both events spawned ramifications and consequences which have played out over the intervening four years. The end of my marriage was finalized a tad over two years ago; my employment relationship ended at the end of June.

I won’t say much about my divorce other than:

• Relative to other divorces I learned about mine was amicable yet it left me with the feeling that no matter who it was, I would never wish a divorce onto them.

• I believe that we both did our best to shield the children from it, to always put their interests first. This alone is cause for gratitude because it’s way than other stories I’ve heard.

• I recognize that at several junctures my future ex avoided taking certain actions for which I also remain very grateful.

Seeing everything symbolically it didn’t escape my notice that the two events, reentering Corporate America and end of my marriage, as linked and key experiences on my journey of wholeness. In both cases these were extreme experiences in trust in an (allegedly) Higher Intelligence / Power. I didn’t know what the Divine Requirements Gather / Project Manager had in mind in terms of feature and release dates but I was confident that when Brendan 4.0 was released it’d be a great product. :)

It’s said that the lack of ability to see our futures is a blessing because if we knew what we would eventually encounter we’d not be able to face the future when it became the present. Looking back at the last four years I can see that.

This isn’t to imply that nothing recognizably good occurred in this time. Indeed a great many blessings, both in the forms of friendships as well as synchronistic meetings and timings, etc., occurred and which sustained me through some very dark periods.

It does recognize however that the period from mid-2008 through early-/mid-2010 has been an extreme challenge. A lot of internal demons came to the foreground and the struggles have in many ways caused me to question many of my foundational beliefs.

This has been my journey into the wilderness and in some sense I’m still there having realized that I’m in what I guess could be called an existential crisis. Still, things are a lot better at the beginning of Q3 than they were Q2 which I recognize as good and I‘m confident that I‘m headed in the right direction.

And with rare exceptions I can look back and see how far I’ve come. That is a recognizable good as well.

So the journey produced recognizable good and at the same time I’d prefer to not do it again. :)

With the benefit of hindsight the most recent phase which ultimately led me to take a medical leave of absence in Q2 began in August 2009 - during a trip to London with the kids I unknowingly came down with what my doctor termed “an upper respiratory viral infection presenting flu-like symptoms [from Hell]” (I added the “from Hell” :) )

From August through March it seemed like I was oscillating between feeling sick / run down and feeling like I was on the mend. Part of how insidious this was is that I couldn’t recognize it while it was happening - even when I’d be feeling run down I’d think it was allergies or maybe a mild virus (how many upper respiratory viral infections could I get?) and that I just needed to get enough rest and I’d be fine. And then I’d spiral down for a week or so and then come back up.

What I didn’t learn until late March / early April is that I had a sinus infection which wasn’t presenting typical symptoms.

It was Monday March 1st that I realized that I had spent the entire month of February drained, lethargic and probably depressed that I realized something needed to change.

Near late March I woke up with the sensation of fluid in my ear (a more precise description would be “eustachian tube dysfunction” as the same feeling can occur if there’s negative pressure in the middle ear with no fluid) and that’s when I hit the “Emergency Stop” button - given my history of hearing loss preserving my hearing is Very High Priority. That’s what triggered the medical leave of absence which I came to call “Rebooting my life.”

Thus my journey of healing kicked into high gear. The ENT picked up on the undetected sinus infection, I started anti-biotics and things started to slowly improve on the sinus / ear front. Not so much on the mental / cognitive / emotional front so I pulled in my GP and counselor who I hadn’d seen in a while and then shortly after adding energy work.

Each has a different model of what was “wrong” with me and I’m glad I have a Zetetic worldview (in brief, that multiple models can simultaneously provide useful means of navigating Reality without a need for any one to the the “Right One”) since they have all provided useful diagnoses and help.

Physically I’m feeling pretty good - eating less, biking more, getting better sleep (most of the time), lot less stress (most of the time).

Mentally I’ve seen improvement as well wrt to memory, cognition and vision / planning / pro-action and at the same time I’d like to see more as well as improved multi-tasking.

Emotionally I’m more often than not in a much better place. In a way I feel more comfortable “in my skin” than I have in a long time, longer maybe than I can recall.

And this I feel has been a large part of the last two years since it was a little over two years ago that I set the intention to unconditionally love and accept myself. And given the way She is my Universe began showing my all the ways I didn’t love and accept myself.

But it’s not all about me :) - loving myself meant also understanding what it means to love others.

There are the obvious examples (unconditional love i.e. for one’s children (Agape); romantic / sexual love (Eros and yes I know I’m conflating what in other times / cultures could be separate) but what about other relationships such as between friends and colleagues?

In May I came up with a definition of love which I resonated with and has satisfied me so far :) - “if the relationship changes (in a perceived negative way) / ends because one or more in the relationship changes / leaves the relationship and a sense of grief is felt, then love existed in the relationship.”

It is synchronistic that this definition occurred to me when it did because as I began the process of pondering my future with more clarity it helped me to understand the emotions I was experiencing - grief being one of them.

Put more plainly I love my former colleagues and it took my leaving my former employer to emotionally realize that.

I don’t know what else to say accept to thank those who have been with me on this journey and to apologize for my former colleagues for the radio silence. I hope y’all understand that once I made my decision I needed to let it work its pace through the proper channels.