One Girl's Journey
Effervescence is a state of mind. It's about choosing to bring sunshine to the day.
Every person I meet matters.
If it's written down, I know it (If it's not written down, I don't know it)
If it's color-coded, I understand it (If it's not color-coded, I don't understand it)
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The Balm of Music, Ceremonies, and Epiphanies
How to Conquer Nightmare Fear - So, this topic might normally go in my "normal/public" journal, but it had another element that made me want to share it over here. I had a nightmare last night, worse than any in memory. It was truly horrific, and details are not needed. But upon waking, I was left shaking, and trying to find a way to reorder my thoughts and go back to sleep in a more pleasant fashion. Every other topic or person or inspiration I tried to think of, just slipped back into memories of the dream, and I wasn't conquering it at all. So I figured I needed a distraction.
A book and some music. That'll help. I put on my headphones, dialed up the playlists on my iPod, and tried to find a foolproof, perfect soundtrack. Easy. Remember my review of the band "Blue Fringe" and their three albums that I bought on a hunch? I dialed up their music, hit play, smiled, put down the book, turned off the light, and easily and blissfully fell asleep.
There's a favorite book series that I re-read every now and then, called "The Belgariad" and the "Mallorean" by David Eddings. There's a moment in one book when the hero is being assaulted by nightmarish thoughts from the evil nemesis, and he's told to think of either this girl he likes or in another book to think of the rustic farm where he was raised. In each instance, the girl or the farm would confuse the evil nemesis, and the hero would be able to fight off the doubt, insecurity, etc. that he was battling.
As I went back to sleep, all my attempts on my own to think of other sweet relationships, happy event memories, favorite places, or the love of family and friends was not conquering the waves of nausea from my dream. But when I put music on that was half in Hebrew, half in English, the nightmare thoughts were confused, and couldn't find any foot hold to turn my thoughts back to the icky themes in the nightmare.
I am just beaming with a silly smile today, that Jewish rock-n-roll banishes nightmares for me. *giggle*
* * * * *
Here a Conversion, There a Conversion - A friend at my synagogue is all done with all the steps for conversion and is having a ceremony on Sunday this weekend. Another very close friend just scheduled her ceremony for October and sent out her invitations today.
I'm left wondering why I haven't moved any faster along my own path. Why am I nonchalant and taking my time? Hmm. I'm not sure there's a reason. Maybe in one sense, I don't need to rush myself because I feel secure and safe in my own identity. There's no deadline I have to race towards. And oddly enough, I like the comforting feeling that my conversion does not ADD any stress to my life. I have plenty already, kthnxbai. So, in that way, Judaism just *is* part of my life, and doesn't rush me or push me or stress me or frustrate me. It's my refuge. It's my safety. It's my relaxation. It's my Sabbath rest.
I like that conclusion.
* * * * *
Other Loose Ends - There's no romance in my life right now, for those of you who might have been wondering. I didn't remember saying anything in my last post (oops), and so I figured I should tie up that loose end.
But my trip to see my old college friend made me realize something VERY important to me. For years now, especially post-divorce, I've thought long and hard about what are my standards for any future, permanent relationship(s). I boiled down my long list of brainstorming various requirements to the four "non-negotiables." (1) Someone who is single already. [I have to spell that out, because I happen to have friends from a number of other alternative lifestyles, and although I adore my friends, I don't happen to chose some of the things they do.] (2) Someone who is SCA or SCA-compatible. I'm very invested in my love for this group that does history learning through hands-on participation (and isn't the Ren Faire), and it's sorta non-negotiable that someone in relationship with me would understand my love for this. (3) Someone who is not only non-homophobic, but what I would call "Queer Supportive." That's a make-or-break topic with me. If you hate gays, you and I are NOT going to get along in a romantic relationship.
And (4) once upon a time was "Christian" because that was how I identified growing up and in college. I had a loose definition, and it wasn't denominational at all, and in fact was probably much looser than some of my college Christian friends. Then as I started to ponder my love for Judaism, and putting myself mentally into the question of "how would the world look different if I'd been raised Jewish?" I changed the requirement to "Religiously Compatible." The more I looked into Judaism seriously, the more I started to feel uncomfortable with the questions from a couple of friends who asked, "do they have to be Jewish? or just religiously compatible?" I wanted to say I wanted someone Jewish... but I felt odd saying so. Even after I have realized "Hey! I want to convert!" I still wasn't sure how to address this issue.
Then I spent a weekend with someone I adore who happens to be Jewish. We went to his synagogue. I got to laugh and enjoy the antics of his rabbi (who is a hoot, by the way). I got to meet his friends at his synagogue. And everything clicked. It *does* matter to me. "Religiously Compatible" no longer is some undefined, wishy-washy, open-door policy that I would be able to spend my life with someone regardless their personal religious convictions, even if they didn't match mine. Nope. I realized that I really *Really* want to be with someone who is also Jewish.
My love for where I've finally come *home* runs so deep that I cannot imagine how I could have a partner who didn't share this with me.
My friend Jeff tells me I live passionately in everything I pursue. (He's probably right.) And I think I really found the definitive answer. (4) Jewish.
So, if you happen to know any Single, Jewish, SCA guys who are Queer-Supportive and would like to meet me for coffee or dinner sometime... ? *grin*
* * * * *
Today's Blessing That I'm Thankful For: Jeff and Adrienne and Benji, for being such an awesome example of a Jewish home. Ken, for being such a loving friend. Larna, for your amazing journey. Theresa, for being just so darn fun.
A book and some music. That'll help. I put on my headphones, dialed up the playlists on my iPod, and tried to find a foolproof, perfect soundtrack. Easy. Remember my review of the band "Blue Fringe" and their three albums that I bought on a hunch? I dialed up their music, hit play, smiled, put down the book, turned off the light, and easily and blissfully fell asleep.
There's a favorite book series that I re-read every now and then, called "The Belgariad" and the "Mallorean" by David Eddings. There's a moment in one book when the hero is being assaulted by nightmarish thoughts from the evil nemesis, and he's told to think of either this girl he likes or in another book to think of the rustic farm where he was raised. In each instance, the girl or the farm would confuse the evil nemesis, and the hero would be able to fight off the doubt, insecurity, etc. that he was battling.
As I went back to sleep, all my attempts on my own to think of other sweet relationships, happy event memories, favorite places, or the love of family and friends was not conquering the waves of nausea from my dream. But when I put music on that was half in Hebrew, half in English, the nightmare thoughts were confused, and couldn't find any foot hold to turn my thoughts back to the icky themes in the nightmare.
I am just beaming with a silly smile today, that Jewish rock-n-roll banishes nightmares for me. *giggle*
* * * * *
Here a Conversion, There a Conversion - A friend at my synagogue is all done with all the steps for conversion and is having a ceremony on Sunday this weekend. Another very close friend just scheduled her ceremony for October and sent out her invitations today.
I'm left wondering why I haven't moved any faster along my own path. Why am I nonchalant and taking my time? Hmm. I'm not sure there's a reason. Maybe in one sense, I don't need to rush myself because I feel secure and safe in my own identity. There's no deadline I have to race towards. And oddly enough, I like the comforting feeling that my conversion does not ADD any stress to my life. I have plenty already, kthnxbai. So, in that way, Judaism just *is* part of my life, and doesn't rush me or push me or stress me or frustrate me. It's my refuge. It's my safety. It's my relaxation. It's my Sabbath rest.
I like that conclusion.
* * * * *
Other Loose Ends - There's no romance in my life right now, for those of you who might have been wondering. I didn't remember saying anything in my last post (oops), and so I figured I should tie up that loose end.
But my trip to see my old college friend made me realize something VERY important to me. For years now, especially post-divorce, I've thought long and hard about what are my standards for any future, permanent relationship(s). I boiled down my long list of brainstorming various requirements to the four "non-negotiables." (1) Someone who is single already. [I have to spell that out, because I happen to have friends from a number of other alternative lifestyles, and although I adore my friends, I don't happen to chose some of the things they do.] (2) Someone who is SCA or SCA-compatible. I'm very invested in my love for this group that does history learning through hands-on participation (and isn't the Ren Faire), and it's sorta non-negotiable that someone in relationship with me would understand my love for this. (3) Someone who is not only non-homophobic, but what I would call "Queer Supportive." That's a make-or-break topic with me. If you hate gays, you and I are NOT going to get along in a romantic relationship.
And (4) once upon a time was "Christian" because that was how I identified growing up and in college. I had a loose definition, and it wasn't denominational at all, and in fact was probably much looser than some of my college Christian friends. Then as I started to ponder my love for Judaism, and putting myself mentally into the question of "how would the world look different if I'd been raised Jewish?" I changed the requirement to "Religiously Compatible." The more I looked into Judaism seriously, the more I started to feel uncomfortable with the questions from a couple of friends who asked, "do they have to be Jewish? or just religiously compatible?" I wanted to say I wanted someone Jewish... but I felt odd saying so. Even after I have realized "Hey! I want to convert!" I still wasn't sure how to address this issue.
Then I spent a weekend with someone I adore who happens to be Jewish. We went to his synagogue. I got to laugh and enjoy the antics of his rabbi (who is a hoot, by the way). I got to meet his friends at his synagogue. And everything clicked. It *does* matter to me. "Religiously Compatible" no longer is some undefined, wishy-washy, open-door policy that I would be able to spend my life with someone regardless their personal religious convictions, even if they didn't match mine. Nope. I realized that I really *Really* want to be with someone who is also Jewish.
My love for where I've finally come *home* runs so deep that I cannot imagine how I could have a partner who didn't share this with me.
My friend Jeff tells me I live passionately in everything I pursue. (He's probably right.) And I think I really found the definitive answer. (4) Jewish.
So, if you happen to know any Single, Jewish, SCA guys who are Queer-Supportive and would like to meet me for coffee or dinner sometime... ? *grin*
* * * * *
Today's Blessing That I'm Thankful For: Jeff and Adrienne and Benji, for being such an awesome example of a Jewish home. Ken, for being such a loving friend. Larna, for your amazing journey. Theresa, for being just so darn fun.
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