According to my husband, once you die, that’s it. He, being a devout atheist and science devotee, eschews any belief in an afterlife. No lingering souls haunting the living. No waiting rooms in purgatory. Nothin’. You’re just snuffed out like a candle with only the memory of your flame left behind.

I love him very much, but I can’t subscribe to that. Now, it’s one thing for me to believe in heaven, as most Jews do. And even though we don’t generally believe in hell, there isn’t a free ride to heaven: according to the Jewish faith, even horrible people get to heaven eventually after some time spent paying for their misdemeanors – sort of a “penalty box” before you get to heaven. But personally, I believe in both heaven and hell. And purgatory. In my own unique way.

First of all, I believe that whatever your personal beliefs may be about death and the beyond, that’s what happens to you. For instance, if you believe in reincarnation, you’ll be reincarnated. If you believe in a flying spaghetti monster that takes your soul to a giant marinara jar in the sky, that’s where you’ll spend eternity, covered in parmesan. If you believe in heaven, and you were a decent person, you’ll go to heaven. And if you believe that you’ll see all your dead friends and relatives there as well, you will. Even the ones flying around with the giant spaghetti monster or reincarnated as antelopes. If you believe you’ll see your Uncle Maynard in heaven with you, then even if Uncle Maynard believes in nothingness after death, you and he will be playing canasta on a cloud somewhere (assuming you believe in canasta). So even though my husband believes he completely ceases to exist after he dies, I’ll be happily pestering him in my version of heaven.

I believe in heaven with almost a typical Judeo-Christian view of it, with people walking on clouds and seeing old friends and relatives. The slight difference, with thanks to E.L. Konigsburg, is that when you get to heaven, you get to choose in which stage of your life you’ll spend eternity. Think your peak was at age 34? You can choose that body. Think it was earlier? Choose that. So, theoretically, you could be bumming around heaven with your 15 year old grandmother. All the knowledge and experience you gained when alive would stay with you; it’s just your outer appearance that you choose. Plus, you can eat whatever the fuck you want. Generally, anything that makes you happy – cooking, hiking, snorkeling, quilting – you can do to your heart’s content. And, if you get bored, you can reincarnate for a while and start all over again. Kind of like a Trill.

I also believe in a “time out” before you get to heaven to pay for anything wrong you did when alive. The length of the “time out” varies depending on your behavior and intentions, but everyone must pay for something naughty they did. Which brings me to my version of hell – the place where you spend the time awaiting entry to heaven.

Elaine Benes describes hell as a horrible place with “caves” and “ragged clothing” and “the heat – my god, the heat!” I believe in that in general (that’s the background scenery, if you will), but I also believe that the punishment should fit the crime. For example, were you mean to old ladies? Well, then, for the next 40 years, old ladies are going to hit you over the head with their canes. Cut people in lines? For 25 years, you’ll have to stand in the longest line ever. Committed murder? You get to feel what your victim felt over and over and over and over and over. And so on. And after you’ve paid the price for being a jerk, you can go to heaven and relax. Kind of like having to spend time in Newark before being allowed to hop a plane to Aruba.

Some people, though, will never get to heaven, no matter how long they spend in punishment-land. Really bad fuckers with no redeeming qualities at all will just live in hell forever. Cos screw them.

There are two reasons why I choose to believe in these versions of heaven and hell. The first is that it comforts me to know that when I die, I’ll see my loved ones again, even my former pets (and friends’ pets). I like the idea of a “This Is Your Life”-style reunion.

Plus, being vindictive and grudge-holding as I am, I also like the idea of harsh punishment for assholes. I like the idea that if someone kicks puppies, they’ll spend a significant portion of their afterlife being attacked by tiny pit bulls with razor-sharp teeth. Cos mean people suck.

Amen.