Ok it seems this downward spiral is over for now. I hope. Dealing with it was like dealing with a barrel of monkeys. And at times I was confusing myself. Only with dh do I have the problem of not remembering that I said certain things he says I said. I supposedly told him that I have trouble changing myself. I remember telling him that I have trouble with change-meaning change in environment, plans etc; but not with self growth. But there are things that he wants me to change-one is that I am not to react to him with preconcieved expectations. Now, we have been together since 1979, living together for most of that time-there are going to be preconcieved expectations and reactions. We are creatures of habits. Or have I totally lost it. Or, is it FOG? (fear, obligation, guilt) I am schooling myself not to show the reaction. But it is hard. I do have to start going back to church-I need the human contact.

In many ways I hope that federal budget looks at early retirement-I am now in the age group that would benenfit. Would it work money wise? I am not sure, but it would be something that would work and it does happen sometimes. It would give me the time to do what I would love to do-write, and my other crafts, and I could get a part time job elsewhere-or maybe even visit certain friends I haven't seen in quite a few years-those up north? It WOULD mean that dh would have to carry the health insurance, but since he is govt employee too, no such thing as pre existing condition issues, so coverage wouldn't be problem. But they haven't talked about that even though they have talked about furlough for 10 non consecutive days or working holidays. I wonder, would congress do without 10 days pay?