I have spoken about DH & my cuddle time. This allows us to calmly talk. And it is working-boundaries are not being broken. We hit on an issue that seems to be affecting both of us-it relates to fear of abandonment. DH pointed out that I have been treating him alot like my mom treated me-do as I say or else. I don't buy that fully, but it was his feeling and I validated that it would be horrible to feeel that way. Then I related it to when his father and he and his siblings were kicked out of his Grandmother's property after his mother died (he was 14). Then I mentioned that we both need counseling. He thought I meant marriage counseling. I told him no-individual therapy. There was no backlash, but maybe it was the way I worded it. I had been on the BPD site and had been reviewing SET-Sympathy, Empathy, Truth. I said "We both have abandoment issues, you from your mom's death and being kicked out-even though you had your father. And I have from my whole life. These are things that people need help dealing with." He agreed that there may be truth in that statement.

And the talk triggered a memory for me-one that I had forgotten. One of my mom's favorite sayings was that I could be given back. That if it was a choice between my father or me, I was gone. If I didn't straighten out I was gone. One summer-I must have been around 10, I was brought to ST. Annes Orphanage for the day. This was meant to 'scare' me straight. In many ways, it might have been better for my physcological health to have been left there. The nuns were a caring group, and even the children were welcoming-I felt a sense of caring, even love and acceptance that I didn't have at home. I didn't want to go home. So I don't think that my parent's plan worked. But, if the place hadn't been a good one-what a horrible thing to do to a child who hadn't had a secure life to begin with. Now, I don't think that they meant to ever leave me-the state would have gotten involved, but I can still picture the face of the Sister's face who was introducing me around. I was upset that I couldn't go swimming in the pool with the other kids! But some played with me, and one asked, "Are you the new girl?" I didn't know the answer. The Sister heard and said, now she's just visiting.

Oh boy, what a memory. Enough for today. My sister wasn't included in this visit. I don't know where she was. I don't think that I cared at this point, since she was never in trouble like I was.