Dh and I have been talking alot more about his past. I am not playing therapist,but to know more about him.

He was telling me about something that happened when he was about 12 or so. He had an aunt on his mother's side that moved out her mother's house. Every time she was found, she would manage to disappear, just when relatives would go to bring her back home. This was a grown woman. He remembers going with his father and an uncle to bring her home and they found her. About a year or so later, his father and mother had an opportunity to move into a large house about 1/2 mile away from the mother. The were not allowed to. Flat out now allowed to-the mother refused to give her permission is how my husband explained it. And to him it was normal. I told him that it was not normal or healthy for a family to be that way. He drew a diagram of the house he lived in. Basicly they were force to live in the first floor of a two story one family home. His parents bedroom would have been the living room, the kitchen was small; he shared a bedroom with his brother, 7 years younger, his sister had a room that would have really been a closet, and they still managed a formal living room that was kept for company. When I brought him home and he saw what I grew up in, he thought that was what all people should live in for space. But the story showed how he expected family relationships to be-I was able to deflect some of it for many years-somewhat. I guess now that it is just the two of us, he doesn't know how to deal as well.

About a year after the house incident, his mother died. He said he didn't cry at her funeral-but he did at night and when people weren't around, but I wonder if he really did. By that time he had been pretty much isolated as a child-he wasn't allowed friends and empathy was not something shown in the family-even when I met them.

My two kids hated visited them, so we would make quick 1hour duty visits whenever we went to RI. This what during the 1 year time we lived in Mass. The family tried to ensnare us with gifts, but even though we liked the gifts, it didn't buy our behavior in their favor so they quickly stopped contact when we moved to IL. (they really didn't like that idea and hated it when we wouldn't keep going back to them-or give up our jobs to move in with them.)

The more stories I hear from my husband about his growing up, the more I understand how and why he is the way he is. Healthy relationships are taught to us. My mom may have been screwed up, but the love of other relatives and my fathers actual caring made up for it.

My mom had illnesses that kept her out of the home for a year or so at a time. By the time I was 11, I could run a home and did. My father may have bought the groceries, but I had a lot of input as to what he was buying. I don't know if he did it on purpose, but he helped me, especially once he realized how much I liked to cook. I dislike certain aspects of homemaking now, but back then, if I was left alone to do it my way-I enjoyed it. (I think after awhile we all get tired of it in our older age!) It was my mom's insistence that her way was the ONLY way that got me into hot water! and her inconsistency as to what was a good job! (no such thing as 'good enough' only perfect would do)

But there was love underneath it all, from aunts and uncles, cousins, and friends.

That is the big difference. DH didn't have contact with anyone that gave unquestioned, unconditional love to him until his mother died. And by that time there are too many bad habits to break for family to do it. I didn't know this. I know it now.

I don't expect him to break them, but I am bending them slowly. The idea that 3 days with me taking time away from him is too much for him says alot. But as long as a blow up is avoided, I am not changing the routine. He will adapt. We did have a minor misunderstanding this morning, but that was resolved. He just wants all sunshine and rainbows with no showers to make the rainbows! Well, back to work. (I have been working in between posting this.)