It is funny how some people read quiet times. I can be a very quiet person-introspective and sometimes I overthink a situation. Can't you all tell? LOL! Anyway, I have come to realize that DH gets worried when I am not 'up'. If my mood becomes quiet, he thinks that there is a problem, starts to worry and then becomes agitated. And then there is a problem.

I finally caught the very very begining of it yesterday. And managed to nip it. I told him that "I" am tired-so "I" am quiet. No problems. "I" am not upset at anything. So what was he worried about? He couldn't give me a definative answer. He just was worried that a 'blow up' would occur this week. About what, he didn't know. No problems have occured, we are handling the little things as they arise, so I tried to get to what was behind the feelings. He couldn't tell me, except that 'we usually have a fight after knitting meetings." Ok. Why? well, "you want to be alone more and spend time with other people." "so are you telling me that you feel that I don't want to spend time with you?" "that's what it feels like" "yuck. to feel like the person you love doesn't want to spend time with you." Then he looks at me and says, "but you get tired after the meetings and thats when things go off." "so its not the other people, its me being tired and then we get a little short with each other cause you're tired too. So if you hear me getting short or I hear you getting short then we call each other on it-OK?" "Yeah, that's good." Total conversation time-less than 5 minutes. Still had to tell him I wasn't upset with him last night-just tired! But This is the type of 'validation' I am doing. Validating his feeling AT THAT TIME. And it stops the major blow ups. It is work. And journaling about it here keeps me on track doing it. (reinforcement of habit).

I don't validate just for validations sake. But the recognition of those feelings is making a huge difference in his and my behavior. Can I do this forever? I don't know. I do know that I have to watch out how much I read on the other site-the sometimes negativty can be catchy for me and can be reflected in my treatment to DH. I find I am better of reading the "other relationships" board over the couples board, though the staying board does help too.

I know a truly healthy relationship would not require this much work. Unfortunately, I did not know to make this relationship healthy early on, so I have to do the work now and hopefully get him to do it too. There is a workbook I am going to get and see if I can convince him to work on it with me. "The High Conflict Couple". Sounds like it would help everyone and since no one else would be involved, he would be more open to it. We will see. I know therapy would be best-but I will work with what I can. I NO LONGER WALK ON EGG SHELLS!