If you read TopseyTurvey you know somethin is up.

Friday night started out ok. We made plans to do something afterwork-it was spur of the moment. We went to the movies. (saw Dolphin Tale-go see and cry it is good) and then out to eat. The downward spiral started in the movies and no matter what it couldn't be covered up. It was something silly...DH went to put the straw in my drink and had to reach across my face to do so-startled me, I hit his arm and straw went flying. Apparently, I hurt him. I later apologized, but I was in wrong. He didn't tell me what he was doing and theater was dark.

Thought it was resolved. It wasn't, it was stewing under the surface. And other things were bubbling up. And continued bubbling up Saturday and Sunday. And Sunday was the capper.

We managed to keep relatively peaceful Saturday evening, but I wasn't cuddly. I have been on prednisone just long enough to be prickly and PMS on top of it. He knows this. I have told him, and his response was that I should have consideration for him when I am like that. WTF?? Sorry for the language.

Counted to 50 with that one. Still can't see what he was trying to say. I was trying every technique I know to not be bitchy, especially since I knew I was in a bitchy mood and I told him every thing was hitting.

Then yesterday he comes up with the question of "I have given up so much for you, What have you given up?"
I look at him shaking my head, you don't want to go there. Not now, not the way I am. You don't want to push this. He asks and says "Oh, I know, moving from Illinois." I am shaking at this point and crying, saying no, you don't want to do this, and you don't know what I have given up. (his big thing is the TV shows he doesn't get to see because I cannot watch them due to the after affects-nightmares. We do have a second tv in the bedroom, but he won't go in there to watch tv-it isn't a good tv.)
He pushes and pushes and pushes. And I finally snap hard. And I say, "How about missing my sister's wedding because you didn't want to take out a loan for $600. Shall we start with that. Is that far enough back?" I don't know what it was, but when I said that, something inside of me also snapped. I emailed TT, telling her it felt like a chicken wishbone snapping inside me. It was a great release. I never acknowledged how much it hurt me to miss that wedding. I kept it inside. He was flabbergasted. Oh, at that time I was managing the budget-the loan was approved and we could have paid it back with out a problem. He just didn't want to be responsible for the kids for a week. I even had child care arrainged. He forgot all of that. This wasn't the last time I was stopped from attending family things. Usually 'money' was found to be the reason, but there is always money for the things he wants to do/buy. And it was the same then-then he tells me the money was used to buy what I wanted. NO-it was used to buy what was needed for the kiddos.

When I said what I did, he was shocked. See, his 'give ups' are usually minor things. Things like tv shows etc. Mine tend to be big things, life things. And some tv shows. The only thing he "gave up" when we got married was based on a statement I made saying that I refused to be a 'sports widow'. However, recently he stopped watching football games on his own. It wasn't me that stopped him. And I reminded him of that.

He went into a 'we have to separate' situation. And in theory separated the budget. Lopsided to make him into the poorhouse.(poor me syndrome) and then was going to move all his clothes out of the bedroom into the extra closet and let me have that room. Basically splitting the apartment and I could date.... rambling on and on.

I was letting him do it. I figured, hey let me call TT and just enjoy talking to her. Just to talk.


Then the extra loud voice started.

Then the noise. Oh well, sorry TT-baby on board.

Then I asked for 24 hours to think-I told him I wanted to save our marriage. I wanted to work together. That we both needed to grow up. (thanks TT!)

Ok. we'll talk about it at x time.

half hour goes by-and he starts. Then he is upset because I refuse to discuss it with him. Then I don't want to cuddle. Which to him means 'IT IS ALL OVER!'

NO. It means that I am not ready to discuss it. I said 24 hours and I meant it. Then he does the "Well, I will need 24 hours beyond your 24 hours." Yup. I got an 8year old. (if that old).

And you know what. I know what I want. I want to be the person I was when I got married. The one who would not and did not take this bullshit. The one who told her husband that she would not be a sports widow all weekend. The one who told her husband that we both just got home and took off their combat boots, what does he mean what is she cooking for supper? The one who didn't wash the socks cause he had them all over the place and she wasn't his mommy to hunt them down. The one who walked to friends houses and made him pick her up at night. I think she is back. I think that snap I heard was her jumping into place yesterday!!

Now I have to fight his acting ability-and he is real good. Today it was hunched shoulders in his wheelchair. Downtrodden look like a beaten dog. And the words, "I will be a 'yes husband'." Yeesh.

I guess I have taken enough of your time. Are we getting separated, I don't know.

Am I going back to the honey moon period-no. He gave me back the anniversary gift I gave him last night.

Will I face him with a written document of what I want-really thinking of it. I told him that I want to be an equal partner in the marriage. And he doesn't see how I am not. So maybe a separation is coming.

This is harder than anything I have done. And yet, I think that it is time.

You know, we have been trying to read scriptures together. And it just dawned on me. He has been holding everyone else responsible for him not 'knowing' things. But he never asked questions. He expected everyone to tell him everything automatically. He even held me accountable for not telling him about marking passages....how was I to know that he didn't know. My kids knew and did it in front of him!! What an idiot I am.

I am afraid. Of the kids reaction. THEY ARE GROWN.