Again, I spent the night tossing and turning. I have not been able to sleep a full night through in I don't know how long. Well, I do, since B moved back in. He's sleeping ok, though he says he wakes up when I toss and turn, not that I can tell. I cannot seem to get comfortable at all, even if I am tired.

You know, I said that the MC wouldn't work because of B, well, I think its not going to work because of me. My true feelings are coming out. And that was one of the things I wrote down, that I was not going to lie to myself anymore. I guess I can't.

Yesterday while I was sitting on the couch, watching tv and crying on and off. B was doing all the laundry by himself. Then he washed the dishes. I couldn't even move myself to do the dishes. I hurt all over. No real reason. B said he had never seen me look so bad when I got up. Trying to convince myself to live a lie did it. And yesterday my body and mind and heart finally agreed, "No More."

B saw it. And heard me, I hope. He says he loves me still-but I cannot do this. I am mopy today, however, since I am at the front office, I have to hide it.

I have only broken up with a guy 3 other times in my life. Once when I signed the paperwork saying I was going to join the Army, once when in training and we both realized that we rushed the feeling-we remained friends, and one at FT Meade when he couldn't meet the 'if we are that serious, this is my true faith' test.

B isn't an evil man, he has lots of good qualities. Just now, the good qualities don't outweigh the bad for me anymore. What I felt for him 33 years ago is not strong enough to push through and hold on.

You know when you love someone you want to do the small things that make them happy-the favorite vegetable, the small things that they like or that make their life more enjoyable? Well, I cannot dredge up that wanting for B. and that is why I was crying yesterday. That is how I know it is dead, because if it were even the least bit alittle alive, I would have wanted to do the dishes, and would have been able to. Or at least been able to make a salad to go along with the ham and mashed potatoes. As it is, his crocheted slippers have a hole in them, and I don't really want to make him another pair, but I really should.