I watch Love Actually today. (Since I am still too sore to move around much or sit up even) And there were lots of good love scenes and a few sad love scenes and a few weird love scenes (fake porn stars falling in love, craziness). And as bitter as I am to love, it is still something that I want in my life. And once again I hear the phrase "better to have loved and lost..." And once again I do not agree with it. I have been in love. And I still am. And not having what I once had only makes the wanting of what I don't have that much more. (There's a crazy sentence for you, straight out of Shakespearian stuff. Truly.) I was a perfectly normal level headed girl (as normal as the word can be used in reference to me) when I slipped on a kiss and tumbled on into love. Yeah gotta watch my step next time. The first one is a doozey. And since then I have never been the same. Justin told me when we were deciding that we should not see each other anymore that I was an amazing girl, that there was no one like me. But "just don't bend." But I don't see it that way I guess. I see it that you need to grow together when you are in love, like vines growing up a tree. They intertwine and twist and reach out to the warm sunlight, but all the while bending and twisting upwards together. It strange how clearly I can hear his words in my head, playing over and over echoing the way a record does in an empty room. I want to love him, but want to hate him half as much as I hate myself, Want to need him, but want to forget him as much as I forget myself. They are all very irritating emotions. He's talking to me again by the way. Which I am sure all of you are truly thrilled to hear. (Meg calm down, its only text messages, and as far as I'm concerned he can still choke on his food, fall down the stairs and catch on fire. So don't worry.) He asked me if I still want to fuck. Well actually what he said was "Do you want to have some ruff dirty different fun sex before you go back to school? If you say no I'll understand." What I'm thinking is 1st: I don't think that you have ever understood me a day in my life. 2nd: You've been fucking a dope whore (AKA Kristel who fucks for herion, oh yeah she's terrific.) and I'm not really interested in dirty dick thank you just the same. 3rd: You left me (who treated you better than anyone else ever will or could ever even dream of) for that beat up disease infested skank (who is treating you like shit just like everyone told you she would). I DO NOT TAKE SECOND PLACE TO ANYONE. So fuck you. 4th: You think I don't know what I'm missing. HAHAHA. Let me see, I am missing jealous fits of rage, insults, and controlling malinipulation. 5th: I know that if I went back to slamming him that Nick would never talk to me again. 6th: It wasn't that good of sex to lose a friend over. Good, but not that good. However, all I said was "I don't think the guy I am seeing would like that very much." Then he tries to blow it off with "Sorry about earlier, I'm really fucked up." Yeah don't miss the bullshit excuses, lies, and drug and alcohol problems either. Forgot all about that. Ironic as it is I still love him and still want him. But as Meghan would say (clearly I hear her scolding me in my head as she surely will when I tell her) "Karen, no. No, Karen. No, Karen. Come on, Karen, no." (Meg when you read this I know you will laugh cause I know that will be what you are thinking.) HAHAHA. But I will get over him soon enough and get on with my life. I hope.

However, since my door is NOT being beat down my incredible gorgeous Austrialian surfer men, only phone calls from "interesting guys" I am desparately to figure out why only crazy desparate stalker (feel free to throw in other adjectives referring to insane men here) are the guys that want to date me. I told Friend that I thought opposites were supposed to attract. In which case I should have brillant, gorgeous, men falling all over me and my beer flavored (pierced) nipples. But nooooo. She told me it doesn't work that way and I have no hope. ;-) I shall date only crazy stalker men for the remainer of my life. Shitty. She always helps my self confidence and self esteem. LOL. But as my mother used to say "such is life."

I suppose if I marry Billy in an attempt to rip of the government I can at least say that was a normal relationship. Well, maybe not, but at least I will be friends with my first ex husband. And if I can manage to get him into bed... well at least it won't be premartial sex. HAHAHA!

-kln-


"You used to call me lover boy... cutie pie, honey bunch, googoo gaga shit like that Now your chasing after me with a baseball bat! I used to be honey, sweetie, darling, baby, everything. So why is it your calling me Mr. Derranged, pyschopathic, pornographic, stinking drunk, failing fast, lying ass, worthless punk?"