Now I'm tryin to do some things that'll make you proud
Instead of everytime I call it's to bail me out
Oh why didn't I listen to things you used to tell me
Knowin that everything that you said would never fail me
Like 'they got plans for ya
But I ain't listenin, even payin attention
I'm just tryna get mine
Tryin to pay you back for all the stress that I caused
-Nelly

So in light of recent events I've been thinking about my mom a lot lately. I know I was my mom's baby and only girl and I spent way more time than most other kids my age spend taking care of her. But it just seems all I can think of is the times I lost patience and yelled at her, or didn't do what she told me to, or when I lied to her when I knew she's believe anything I said.

Unless you have experienced it, one cannot fathom how losing a parent will affect you. I know, because I knew it was coming for a long time and I tried to prepared myself, imagine what it would be like, how it would be different. But there is no preparing for it. Don't get me wrong, I don't want pity. I consider myself lucky. Only by the grace of God did my mother live through birthing me. I could have had no time with her instead of limited time. And I wouldn't wish her to suffer for a minute longer for anything.

It's just that now, I view the world differently. Now when I study and get involved I do it not only because it is good for me, but I do it because it would make her proud and it makes my Dad worry less. I do not have it in my heart to do anything to cause him more stress in his life.

I guess I just want to say think about the things you say and do before you do them. It may not be a bid deal now but it may some day.

-kln-

And I'm sure the view from Heaven beats the Hell out of mine here.