i am not going to sit here and try to make people feel bad for me by telling them that i have depression. but i really do have it. and thisis for all the people who do or think they do. the type i have, it doesn't make me slit my wrists and stuff like that. it's this constant thing in the back of my mind. there is a void inside of my mind that i try to fill by buying things. i think that if i buy something it will make me happy and i will be happy forever. well i buy it and it makes me happy for a little and then it fades away and i feel the same again. i know that void needs to be filled with something but i don't know what. sometimes the depression feels like it isn't even there. sometimes i am listeing to my favorite song or laughing so hard with my friends that i can barely remember what my own name is. depression doesn't get to me all the time. sometimes i feel normal and shrug it off. but then it comes crashing down. no matter how hard i laughed two minutes before, i still feel awful. the moods can change so quickly, in a matter of minutes i will feel horrible. i will just be sitting in class and all of a sudden i will feel so ugly. i will feel that everyone hates me and that they all want me dead. often times i feel like my family wants me dead. i feel like they are nice to me and get me things only because they don't want me to find out that they want me to die. i feel so worthless, i can't describe it. i feel like the lowest scum on the bottom of the earth, like no one wants me, like i am just a waste of organs and dying children with diseases could use my organs insstead of me who is just wasting them. sometimes i will just sit in my room and cry so hard for no reason at all. it isn't pms. i just feel so sad, and nothing happened to make me feel that way, and i can't even explain it. then after i get dont crying i'm usually really really tired and i go to bed and forget about it and when i wake up it starts all over again. sometimes i go days without feeling it. other times it will be weeks when i feelhorrible. in social situations i feel the worst. i feel so rejected, like such a loser, like no one wants me. i will arrive at a party in a good mood and in a matter of minutes i will be in the corner sometimes near tears. it's hard to not cry in front of people. it doesn't matter what other people tell me. it has no effect. and you would think that i could control my moods, but i can't. they just happen. my brain starts going and it can't stop. you kind of have to let it ride its course. it's like highs and lows all the time, a constant circle of feeling good and then feeling so awful you can't even see reason to take another breath. you think, maybe it's nothing, i just had a bad day. but you you look at yourself and at everyone else and you know you aren't the same. and that just makes it worse. because no one knows what it's like. they tell you to feel better, to not think negative. they don't know. they don't know that it doesn't matter what you think, your brain just grabs ahold of you and you can't interfere with it. if you act miserable people think you do it for attention. like you just fake the whole thing. and sometimes i want attention. i want people to listen to me moan, really. i like when people pay attention to me. but i don't act all weird just for that. i don't even want to. it just happenes. and what it makes it worse is that you think about your future. who will want to be with me? will this go away? will it get worse? will i die alone? and you know it won't go away. so many times i hoped it would go away and it never does. and then you think about dying and no one caring and that makes it 10 times worse. people tell you not to think about that. but you have to because your brain makes you. you don't have a choice. i didn't choose to be like this. i don't know why it is. but all i know is that this is what it's like to be depressed.