last night as i was lying in bed and i couldn't breathe because i had this really bad allergy attack, i got to thinking about my entire life. at night when it's really quiet is the best time to think. i realized how fucked up our family is and how my mom is suddenly trying to save our family from falling apart but she realizes she can't and this frustrates her. for one thing, her and my father should have never have gotten married. i don't think people believe me when i say they hate each other. i have never, ever, except for one time in my entire life, seen them kiss or show any type of affection whatsoever. when i was younger i was kind of thankful for this because who wants to see your parents kiss, ew. i used to think it was normal for parents not to speak to each other for weeks at a time. i used to think it was normal for them to not give each other presents in their birthdays, on christmas, on their anniversaries. but then when i went to other people's houses and saw their parents and compared them to mine, i realized that something was very wrong. there were two people living in my house that might as well have been strangers. i know they didn't get a divorce because they didn't want to have me and mug grow to be fucked up. but i think i am fucked up anyways. seeing them hate each other all the time makes me want to never get married. as long as i live, i will never let myself become like them. i have no idea what normal people who love each other are like. i'm so used to them being so cold to each other all the time, to pretending the other one isn't there, that i used to think that what was you were supposed to do when you loved someone. now i know that's wrong, and i can see why mom gets pissed at me all the time. and i can't blame her, i guess i can be an asshole at times, especially since i treat her a lot of the times like my father treats her. i almost can't help it. it's like this habit and i can't stop it and then an hour later i feel bad. and then she'll yell and slam the door and then suddenly i don't feel sorry anymore, i just think to myself, i have to get out of here. my parents are always trying to put on an act for other people, trying to make it look like we are this normal loving family and everything is just peaches and roses and cottage cheese. well i'm not scared to tell people what my family is really like. come to think of it, my parents don't even try to convince other people that they are in love. it is so blatantly obvious that they are not. thinking back on my childhood, never once did they go out to dinner or do anything nice. their excuse was that they didn't trust me with a babysitter, they thought i might get hurt, but that's all bullshit. i don't know why it gets to me so much, i've always tried to ignore it, but the more i think about it the more it grows in my brain and the more it bothers me. this counseling won't work, because half the problem is me and the other half is my family. and my mother will never admit that she is wrong and neither will my father. my father is set in his ways and he wouldn't care if he were the last man on earth as long as he had a bicycle to ride. sometimes i think that if he had to choose between my life and his bike getting a flat tire, he would choose my life. i know that sounds horrible, and anyone reading this is probably like yea right, but my father is just ina world of his own, and i really don't think he could care what goes on in my world. in some ways that's good, he doesn't ask me nagging questions like my mother does, but i guess she only does it because she cares, so maybe next time she asks me an annoying question i will try my best not to explode. when i think i about it i realize my mom is a bigger part of my life than my father is. it used to be the other way around, but i really think my dad is losing touch with reality. i think my whole family is. it's so weird to say that. but they are stuck in this crazy universe and when i come home it's like walking into a circus. my mom and my dad yelling, telling each other they hate each other, wishing each other dead, this is all normal to me. and i realize that i have to get out, i can't stay here anymore. and another thing i realized, that whenever my dad sees a fat person on tv or in real life, he's always so quick to pass a comment. that definitely has to be one of the reasons i am so concious about my weight. i know if i were fat my father would not love me. i don't think about that ordinarily but it has to be tucked away somewhere in the back of my mind. there's so much crap my family went through, so much irreversible damage that you would never expect us to have, but it's there, and now that we are no longer a family, my mom is trying to frantically save everything. i know she wanted a house in the country and kids who liked to help do the dishes and a loving husband who would be there for her in old age and we would grow up and marry doctors and lawyers and live happily ever after. hardly what she got. instead she got cancer, a husband whom she hardly even knows, a perfect daughter, and me, the "rebel", the reason why everything is wrong, the stupid little bastard who doesn't do any work in school and who hangs around with losers. that's what i feel i am. i feel like i am the accident child, the one that she had and halfway through my life she realized something had gone terribly wrong and so when she had adriana she said she would never make the same mistakes. she would never yell at her or do anything to make adriana mad or upset. no one has actually told me this, it's just a theory i came up with after thinking about everythigng. sometimes i wonder what it would be like if i was never born. what the world would be like, if my family would be happier, and so on. sometimes i wish i could just press rewind and go back to the very beginning and stand there with an eraser and take out all the things i didn't like. and sometimes i wonder what it would be like if i was born into a different family, if i lived across the street from this family i have now, i would look at them, i wonder what i would think of them. i think i am the only person in the family who believes in expressing my emotions. if it weren't for this diary i would go nuts, i just need a place to vent, a place that doesn't talk and tell me i'm a disgrace and to shut up. i wish i could count how many times my mom told me i would never amount to anything, how many times i did something and got in trouble for it and then adriana did the same thing and it was all alright. i can't rely on these people anymore. everyone says your family is the most important but i don't think so. i don't feel i can trust any of them. i feel i can only trust myself and i don't care what my mother says, i am going to be an actress if i die from starvation, as long as i can be on a stage, as long as i can prove her wrong, as long as i can make it out of this damn family which looks so normal and still maintain my sanity, as long as i can do that, i don't give two shits about anyone...