as the latest installment of my project, i have decided to analyze the various types of customers that enter dairy queen for my own amusement, because today is a snowday and i need to piss away some time before i begin anything with importance.

1. the soccer mom.
this type usually comes in with about 15 kids hanging off her arm, all screaming and running around. now, i feel bad for this type. she probably thought little mary and johnny were bundles of joy before they acquired full use of their vocal chords. but now look at them, JUST LOOK! fricken brats! getting their fingerprints all over the glass i just cleaned, taking about 700 napkins and only using two, and getting combinations of ice cream that even a cockroach wouldn't touch. this type usually has to change the order 3,000 times because her damn kids can't make up their minds and i have to sit there twiddling my thumbs while the little snakes squeal and moan. after they get their ice cream, they usually leave an inch of sludge on every surface they touch.

2. the no bullshit mom.
this is quite the opposite of the first customer. this type comes in dragging her kid by the coat sleeve, asks them what they want, and when the little serpent says "a large cone" she immediately shoots them down with a firm "NO." hha fricken ha you little leech, no large for you! you get a kid size! oh this really makes me smile. i can't tell you how much fun i have witnessing this act of motherly love.

3. the person who just recently discovered a way to pull his head out of his ass.
this type of customer can be summed up into two words: stupid shit. they walk in like they have just seen the lord and stand in the way way back of the store squinting their eyes attempting to read the menu and then after about half an hour they slowly make their way to the front where they proceed to ask such incompetent questions such as "do you have haagen dasz ice cream?" and "what's soft serve" and "do you have that stuff that you used to have?" and each time i give them an answer they get this bewildered look on their face as if me telling them something new just threw everything in their feeble little minds out of order and now they have to reorganize it all over again. you can almost see the sparks flying as the rusted wheels turn in their brains. so, after another half hour of looking at the same 3 flavors of ice cream over and over again, they decide to place their order. usually they leave out important information such as what size and type of ice cream they want and then act all surprised when i ask them for it. sometimes when ordering twist ice cream they flail their arms about in a twisty motion because saying the word "twist" is not complete without the flailing of arms. this is also the type of person who pays you $3 in pennies and then does not leave a tip, and then drops his ice cream on the way out so you have to go through this torture all over again.

4. the frazzled woman.
this type usually comes barelling through the door, coach purse and cell phone in hand which happens to so conviently ring right as i am taking her order so that i have to be extra quiet as to not disturb the queen while she is communicating with her royal subjects. there is often valuable information such as what time sex and the city starts or what type of sprinkles we have. get off your fucking phone, you crow. in between lulls in the conversation she orders about 600 things and then expects me to grow about 4 new arms so that i can make them as fast as possible so that the damn skank can get to her eyebrow waxing appointment on time. as she is paying, she takes out every credit card under the northern sky and then looks at me in disbelief when i tell her we only take cash her check and then goes furrowing into her leather purse for some money while she sighs and groans about how she can't believe this. look you fucking gucci billboard, i am here to give you ice cream and take your money, not run down to the nearest bank and scan your credit card and file your nails. now kindly pay me and shut the hell up and get out of this establishment so that i can continue standing around in peace. this type often runs out and slams the door behind her and leaves a trail of perfume behind her.

5. the senile man/woman who really meant to go to the post office but wound up at dairy queen instead and doesn't know how to get home.
this type usually smells like mothballs and has to order low fat everything or else their heart will stop. they are often grouchy, order me about, and complain if the hot fudge is not squirted on in the right fashion. they often stand there waiting to pay and when i ask "anything else?" they reply with a terse "how much is that!" like i have a fucking calculator in my brain and i would just magically know. after paying they often hobble over to the nearest chair, complain that the table is sticky, and then take 4 hours to eat a small cup of ice cream.

6. the nice customer.
this is my favorite. they come in, ask how you are, smile, say please and thank you, sometimes make polite conversation, and then leave a tip. if you fuck up their order they dont mind. god bless them.

7. the teenager.
this type usually comes in a large mob and sits in the store until it is closing time talking about that one time at anna's party when anna hooked up with ricky but ricky was so like in love with jess but jess was like hell no so ricky got drunk and hooked up with anna and then mike got mad because he and anna were together and then they all threw up in the woods and then nicole got mad because angel said that someone said that someone said that her ex boyfriend had sex with this one girl a week before so she was all crying and like i was so like whatever.

8. miscellaneous.
for all the rest of the people that enter my place of employment, this category is for them. some don't speak english, some belong in a mental hospital, and some of them are just there and i have no opinion.

in conclusion, my experience of work is just one clown rolling in after another, contributing to the meager pay i get for dealing with them.