i think he is. he has every disease known to man. he had prostate cancer, he had a quadruple bipass, he has kidney disease, he has diabetes, he can barely walk or take care of himself. my mother has had to go down there everyday and take care of both him and my grandmother. i know it's hard for her. these were the people that once took care of her.

today in the car she told me that he acts like a baby sometimes. she tries to laugh it off and make like it's nothing. she knows it's going to happen soon i guess. and i really don't know myself. my grandfather is the strongest person i know. even after all the time he was in the hospital i never once heard him complain. even after aall the tubes that were stuck into him he never acted sick and old. whenever i go over there he would always give me money. he would drive me anywhere. he would buy me anything. it's not like he's dead yet. but there's only so far the human body can go till it can go no more. i know soon i will see him like i saw taryn. it's odd. i am becoming friends with the idea. it's weird. it's not like i have this ominous feeling, like the one i had with joe. it's just that i know it's going to happen. like within the next year at the most. going over there and seeing him die is very weird. it doesn't make me cry. thinking about him dying does not make me cry either. even though i am very close with him. i don't know why.

i guess there are three kinds of pains. there is the kind of pain where it hurts alot in the beginning and you cry and cry and don't eat and go into these deep sleeps where you forget everything and then remember it when you wake up. this is the kind of pain you get over after awhile. the second pain is where you cry and cry and even after awhile you still cry when you think about it, and you never get over it. the third pain is like, the pain just falls around you but you never absorb it. you know what is going on around you, you know there is something bad, but it does not permeate your skin, you do not cry about it, because tears are not necessary. the kind of pain that happens slowly and each time a piece of you goes with it so that when it is all said and done, there is none of you left. i think this is that type.

of course i cannot say. no one except for taryn has ever died on me before. this is not the same as taryn. i don't know how i will act. i don't even know if my grandfather will die soon. but how much more does he have to go through. every day he wakes up his life is just swallowing one pill after the other. his life is the four walls of his living room, the cushion of the large chair, the fuzz of the tv. he is not going to get better.

but he isn't the type to just give up. i don't know. i am so overwhelmed. between the constant feeling of lonliness and a dying relative and school i just don't know. sometimes i want to kill myself. but i never will. nothing is ever that important that i would end my life for it.