everytime you wake up your brain does a quick scan of itself and for the few minutes that you lie in bed just before you begin everything again, you remember who you are, what day it is, and where you belong.
every morning when i wake up i notice the sun pouring in, i notice the time on the clock, i notice all the fine details about everything, but i do not know myself. i am so confused, and i hate incertainty. it's just that, i just don't know. it's very hard to put into words. when i walk down the halls at school, i feel like i am kind of just floating by, like i don't really belong anywhere, and all these memories circle around me, like bubbles; i just want to pop them.

ever since friday i have been feeling this new hope, this little happiness inside that gives me a reason to go on. i am so glad i did what i did that night. it's funny how everything seems to fall out of the sky and fall into place later on, and now i feel it has. i feel like there is someone who actually likes talking to me, who wants to hear what i have to say, that there are other people out there and my whole existence is not based on ramsey. that the walls of this town extend outwards and there i can find things that make me happy. i really met the right person at the right time, right when i needed someone to hold me up from falling into the water. and i know now not to rush into things, not to force myself to do something. and even with all this good, there's still a tiny piece that is unsure, that is vulnerable, that is afraid to get hurt again, and i guess that is why i am so wary of this. i really don't want to think about it, i don't want to label and define it, i just want to let what happens happens. but i guess at the end of the day, what it comes down to is finally, after feeling like absolute shit about myself, i have a reason to actually want to be alive.