i was just watching president reagan's funeral on tv. normally i would find it boring and just change the channel. but it made me think about my grandfather. i thought it was over and done with but at the time everything was crashing in and i had all these strong emotions. i tried writing them, i tried getting them out, but i just couldn't, they were all too jumbled up. and i guess it took watching the funeral of a man whom i had never known to get back to those things i thought i had forgotten. it hasn't even been a month yet but it seems like an eternity. at the time when it happened, i had a lot going on, and i focused on everything that much harder and i thought i was over it. but i know now that i am not. i was going out with ryan, i was working hard in school, i had an sat score to be proud of, i was working. everything seemed ok. but today as i stared at the tv screen and began to cry i realize that it's not ok.

there's one thing that stands out at me the most, and that was when we all looked at him one last time before they closed the casket. everyone was walking up to him and touching him, hugging him, kissing him. but when i got up there i couldn't do it. i wanted so badly to, but i just coudln't physically do it. i guess i have a phobia of dead people. i can't just walk up to him and touch him. what if he comes back alive? but i know he won't, and i know then if i did touch him, he would be the same as he was five minutes ago, and an hour ago, and an hour from now, and ten years from now. and persoanlly i find it disgsuting to touch the dead. i know i sound like a little spoiled brat by saying that, i don't mean it in a ew a spider on the wall way. i mean it in a spuernatural, higher power, life and death way. he is dead and i am not, i cannot mix the two. he is not my equal anymore, we are not the same. i do not deserve to touch him.

and so when i went up there i had to think of something to do so people would not think i was weird. and i wanted to do something, this was the last time i would ever see him, after this it was all over and whatever i did not was what i had to remember him by forever. all i could do was stare at him, absorb everything, process all the details and file them in my brain somewhere where they would not be forgotten. his face, his lips, the way his hands were folded, the slight glare from his bald head, his tie that read, "my heart belongs to daddy." everyone always called him daddy.

and then i walked away.

the actual funeral in the church is blurry. it didn't make sense, and being in a house of god offered little comfort. it didn't do much for me, but more for him, just knowing that he was ok. looking at his casket and thinking he was in there and i was out here, still being able to live, was very odd. the difference between those two suddenly struck me. afterwards i don't know what i wanted to do, whether i wanted to be with family or friends. i wound up going with my friends anyway, and then i guess i forgot about it.

yet every night when my room is dark and quiet and i am about to go to sleep, i still invision his casket lying there and me sitting in a chair watching him. it haunts the hell out of me. and then i think of the person i am becoming and the person he was and it makes me feel all the worse. i am becoming miserable again. i used to be miserable, and then i was happy, and now i am miserable again. things just piss me off and i can't stand them. i get angry so easy. i just want to scream sometimes. everyone seems so stupid. they're all so juvinille. i don't feel like i fit in with them. the other day i overheard a conversation a girl was having about how if she lost her earring while she was in school she had to go home because she couldn't stand to be in school. that is the type of person i am surrounded by. i feel like everything is so useless. everyone thinks that their entire life will consist of sitting in class text messaging each other about how wasted they want to get over the weekend and who hooked up with who and they think it makes them so cool. that's not the rest of your life. and oh yea, i am not miserable of any guy or lack thereof, so don't think i'm losing any sleep over you, ryan. the things i feel are strictly from the inside. all my life i wanted to be accepted, i wanted to be liked, and you know what i realized? that people don't like fake people. when i am pretending to be cool and funny and social and well liked i just wind up making an ass out of myself. some people like me, some people don't. if a guy likes me, that's great, and if he doesn't, i'll get over it. it was only after i lost my virginity and went through hell on earth and finally got some fucking self respect that i realized what a fucking moron i was for wanting to find happiness from some 15 year old boy. idiots. all idiots. just because you fuck a bunch of guys doesn't make you cool and it doesn't make you better than me. and on the other extreme, just because you did better than me on a test, or that you got into honors society, doesn't make you any better either. people who study, yea that's fine. but then there's people who think they are above everyone else because they got an immaculate score on their sats. but they are the most boring anit social people ever. i guess now that i look at it, there is no "normal." everyone is just what they want to be, and some like it and some don't.

my mother is always trying to diagnose me with some mental disorder so she can rationalize why i am the way i am. and sometimes i don't know know what to think. maybe i really am a miserable bitch who is lazy and doesn't like to do anything. but i really don't think that at all. there's certain things that i cannot stand, and in the place i live, i see a lot of those things everyday. they piss me off. they make me want to scream. and sometimes i think i see things too clearly, and no one else can see them. and they pretend like it's not going on. i really don't know what i am talking about, i just think that things make sense to me and they don't make sense to other people. i guess everyone comes to realizations at different times, and mine came now.

i guess i am so angry now because i am mad at myself. i see everyone doing what i did and it enrages me because they will all feel like i did later on. i felt like shit about myself so what better way to boost my self confidence than to get it from a guy. what an idiot i was. what a complete fucking moronic thing to do. and you know what, i am ready to admit something. i hate myself for that. i absolutely loathe it, and i can't believe i ever did it. yet it doesn't surprise me because i really didn't see the harm in it at the time. but what i feel now is not worth the instant and fleeting gratification of that time. i wish i could start over, sort of. if i had never done this, i know i would just do it anyway. you have to trip and fall before you know not to run in the first place. and the biggest mistake i ever made was trusting someone i barely knew with something like my soul. stupid, silly me. so naive. i didn't think anyone could ever hurt me like that, and lo and behold they did. and i'm not even mad at him so much as i am mad at myself. i let that happen. i allowed it. i was supposed to be the mature smart know it all junior who knows right from wrong and could prevent myself from ever getting this way. but i didn't know shit. i cheapened myself, i killed a part of the innocent person inside of me. and i hate myself for it. and all around me i see girls doing it all the time. it makes me so angry, i can't even describe how much i hate to say it. one day it will all come back to get them and they will hate themselves for it. and any girl out there having sex now already hates herself, she just doesn't want to admit it yet.

as much as i am pissed with myself, there is nothing i can do. i am only realizing now the huge mistakes i made and there's nothing i can do about them except learn. i'm glad i went through it now so that i know a little something before i leave high school. no guy on the face of the planet is worth it. none at all. i would never, ever, ever lower myself like that again. plan my moves as to please someone, lower my standards because i think i can settle for less. i just feel that i let my guard down, i let someone corrupt the holiest thing about me, and the only way to prevent that is to never let anyone get that close again. i guess later on things will change, but for now i could never like anyone in that way again. i'm bitchy all the time because i am angry with myself and i want people to know that they can't take advantage of me. i'm not some stupid whore and i won't let people tell me what to do. girls let people treat them like dirty old dish rags. but i know now i am more than that. i'm not a worhtless pile of shit who no one will ever like. i'm better than that, and when i can find a guy who doesn't feel the need to control and belittle someone, i will let my guard down. but there's nothing i can say to make anyone think differently. it doesn't matter how many talks my mother gave me, i just went out and did it anyway. and i hurt for awhile, and i hated it, and i was, and still am, pissed at myself. but now i know.

i guess i should conclude this long drawn out speech of the way of the world. all in all, life is good, you're happy, life bites you in the ass, and you move on. and nothing is as bad as it seems.