My prom is in two days. Lucky for me, it's supposed to rain, enabling my hair to be as frizzy as possible. I have been thinking about the extremely large hassle the prom entails for children everywhere.

First you need a date. Oy.

Next you must buy a dress. Many stores have dresses, most of which are really shitty and look like a flattened octopus mixed with bile draped amongst your body. Dresses are always too long for me and the boob area is conviently way too big. It's like the pattern they use to make these dresses are based off of two canteloupes and and a flagpole. Because everyone has D cups and is 5'11 and weighs 120 pounds. You must also consider the possibility of having the same dress as someone else and thus being a douchebag. The only way you can wear the same dress is if you look better in it, and if you are short and fat like me, that probably isn't going to happen.

So, for those people who are not models, your dress needs to be altered. Many people who alter dresses do not speak English as their first language, and it is hard to communicate the fact that you need the chest reduced by a thousand times the original size because you are flat, or that the assage needs to be increased. Add about $60 to the $250 dress you purchased.

Now an appointment for hair, nails, and make up must be made, which isn't too bad, because in my town there are about 759 places to get this done. Add $70. I'm being cheap here too.

Now you must buy shoes and a purse. $100.

For those traveling in class, you need a limo. Our limo is cheap and is costing $45 a person.

Now for the ticket. $185

They also try to hit you up at the entrance to prom with pictures that you must order in a package, with a minimum of $15. Why can't I just get a Polaroid like the kind you get when you go to the mall and sit with the easter bunny? I'm not going to look at this 20 years from now and remember the warm and carefree time I had while my stiletto heels were digging into my feet and I dropped a pizza bagel on my dress and someone is going to be a)crying in the bathroom, b)breaking up with her boyfriend or vice versa, or c)walking around in a drunken stupor. Not to mention all the ass in crotch action. Gee, I can't wait.

This entire outing has costed me about $600 so far. I better have the time of my life.