Every time I go to see a movie it seems as though I am bombarded with supposedly "scary" films featuring small children and the havoc they wreak on their surroundings. Who decides that this is a good idea? Since when are children frightening? Every movie is the same thing: kid sees things, kid scribbles disturbing images onto paper using a black crayon, a waify ignorant mother takes notice of her child's behavior and tries to put a stop to it but always does so after her beastly offspring manages to kill a few dozen people. Somewhere in the movie there is always a church,a wrinkly old man who "knows things," a red balloon, an abandoned swingset, or some other symbol of the child's loss of innocence. The kid is a murderous spawn of Satan. We get it. Why do people think this stuff is scary? Balloons aren't scary, crayons aren't scary, so why do I have to sit through twenty seven look a like previews for the same asswipe movie everytime I go to a theater? If Hollywood really wanted to scare the shit out of people they would take a hidden camera into Shoprite where kids scream, claw at their mother's pant legs, eat their own snot, and crap themselves. Now that is nightmare inducing. Not this whole brigade of "distubred children" Tinseltown potrays in movies. Nobody's kids are really like that, and if they are, we give them Ritalin. Speaking of crappy movies, every movie that has come out in the past three years has been crappy. Has anyone noticed that every single movie is a remake of one conveniently made 30 or 40 years ago so that today's vapid teenage audiences won't realize they're pissing away $9.50 to see something they could rent on DVD for a third of the price? And does anyone actually like romantic comedies? What is wrong with people? Romantic comedies have to be the shittiest genre of shit that ever shat. NO ONE'S LIFE IS LIKE THAT. Romantic comedies are the source of every problem in America. They teach women that men are this simple minded breed who can be trained and manipulated into doing anything a woman desires and that a man would give up anything, includng sports, nachos, cars, and dignity to be with the woman he loves. Bullshit. The only people who see these movies are sobbing raw cookie dough inhaling twats who just got dumped and girls who drag their spineless boyfriends along so he can see how a "real man" is supposed to act. The only person who looks like Jennifer Aniston is Jennifer Aniston, so stop thinking you'll be transformed into a stellar babe by doing the six crunches a month Cosmo says you should do and putting shimmer on your eyes and eating lowfat bacon. Oh yea, and no guy cried at The Notebook, and any guy who tells you that is lying and just wants to get in your pants.

The bottom line: movies blow.