Act I: In which Mr. Potato Head calls his estranged wife, Mrs. Potato Head, who filed for divorce due to Mr. Potato Head's addiction to gambling.

Scene 1 -- Mr. Potato head picks up the toy telephone with the buggy eyes and the dialer which rings like a bell and calls Mrs. Potato Head, now in a committed relationship with Slinky Dog.

Phone rings.

Mrs. Potato head, who has no ears due to them being cut off by T-Rex at the request of Mr. Potato Head's book(ie)s, so she has to use a Speak-and-Spell.

Mrs. Potato Head: Hello.

Mr. Potato Head (with Speak and Spell as TTY): Hello. This is Mr. Potato Head.

Mrs. Potato Head: What do you want? (she types this into the Speak-and-Spell)

Mr. Potato Head: What time do you want me to bring the tots home?

Mrs. Potato Head: I don't know. Are you okay to drive? Or have you been sitting around for so long that you're Vodka now?

Mr. Potato Head: Oh come on, baby. I aint got no right arm. Bullseye came in last at the slot car track and they took it.

Mrs. Potato Head: I'll jump in my car and be over there in 5-minutes. Have them on the porch of the Barbie Dream house. Do not be outside when I arrive.

*scene*

Act II: In which Woody doesn't realize that he's a toy and that there's a human who controls his actions

Woody sits next to Buzz on the windowsill.

Woody: Do you ever get the feeling like we're not in control of our own actions?

Buzz: I always feel in control of my actions. I want to use my beam I use it. I want to fly, I fly.

Woody: I know. You've never had a problem with that. I just have this (pauses) feeling like there's some entity out there that's controlling everything.

Buzz: Like a god or something?

Woody: Yeah. I don't know if its God or what.

Buzz nods.

Woody: I mean, the other day, I woke up in a place different from where I fell asleep. But I have no recollection of walking to that location. And Bo-Peep has never complained about me sleep walking before.

Buzz nods again and takes a puff of his catnip cigarette

Buzz: I don't know, Woody. If there is, there is. If there isn't, there isn't. I wouldn't worry about it too much.

Buzz stands up.

Buzz: I gotta get going, friend. Jessie is probably pulling the yarn out of her head worrying where I am.

Woody: But aren't you ever worried? I mean, what if there is a God? And what if this God up and decides that he doesn't want us anymore? And what if we die when we're no longer wanted by this God? And what if when we die, we just die and that's it?

Buzz: Well, what do you want to happen when we die?

Woody: I don't know. I want something. What do you want to happen when you die?

Buzz: I want to be greeted by my fathers and their fathers in the great beyond. I want to see the legends who came before me. Names like Optimus Prime. Names like Darth Vader. You?

Woody: I really like that story about when we die we go up into a place made of white toy stuffing. I want to see the God that controls this whole thing.

Buzz: Well, the good news is that no matter what, you'll know. Unless there is nothing to know. In which case, you shouldn't worry about that either since you won't know that you don't know. You'll just blink to black. But it won't be black because you won't be conscious enough to know what black is anymore.

From below -- Jessie: Buzz, are you up there?

Buzz: I gotta git going.

Woody: Since when do you use the word "git?" She's really rubbing off on you, eh friend?

cue Randy Newman music

- Matt