After talking about one of my favourite films recently, it seems appropriate to mention a film I had the misfortune of seeing last night.

Seven Mummies may well be the WORST film I've ever watched in my life.

You could guess the film was going to be a bit iffy when, after the title came up, a big 7 popped up on the screen, just in case you couldn't work out what "seven" meant in letters.

The plot was basically this:

A group of prisoners escape into the desert when the van transporting them crashes. They kill the male guard, kidnap the "lust interest" female guard, and go wandering around for a bit.

Soon, they meet a clearly-demented "native American Indian", an actor I recognized, but one who is clearly Mexican or Hispanic.

After telling the fugitives about some legendary gold lost in a ghost town, ("the border is that way; the gold is THAT way") he throws back his head and laughs like a maniac for about five minutes without pause "Mwhahaahahahahahahaha! Bwhahahahahaha!" Etc.

By now, you can tell it is going to be bad.

Still, the escapees appear to trust the man with the evil laugh and they go off in search of the gold - although the main hero looks a bit concerned.

Btw, the only find out that the "hero" of the film is indeed a hero because, when asked what he did to end up in prison, he answers: "I made some bad choices."

Other than that gem, he only has about four other lines of dialogue in the entire film. The rest of the time, he sits or strides with a steely look of determination on his face.

The legendary gold, to cut a VERY long and tedious story short, is guarded by seven (that's 7) Jesuit monks who remain in a constant state of mummified undeath, waiting for their chance to kick arse for the Lord.

So... after battling through vampires and other assorted ghouls (about half an hour into this, the heroine of the piece declares "My God, this town is haunted!"), the "characters" come face to face with these ancient villains. For some reason, the Jesuit Monks are also NINJA-monks, believe it or not, and they proceed to bust out a range of Matrix-style kung fu techniques on the hapless heroes.

At the end, the main bad guy is chasing the hero and heroine through this old wild-west ghost town that doesn't really exist... and the good-guy suddenly pops into one of the buildings and finds a souped-up Harley Davidson to escape on!

Cool or what?

If this is meant to be a spoof, and I'm barking up the wrong tree, maybe this is genius.

However, the film seems to take itself very seriously indeed, especially in the gory violent scenes - such as when one of the good-guys is stabbing a hooker in the eye with a pair of scissors ("Damned hookers!" he says).

It's like a poor-man's Dusk Til Dawn, but with none of the humour or wit. The only laugh-causing moments (and there are admittedly quite a few) appear totally unintentional. You only laugh because you can't quite believe just how terrible it all is.

Apparently, many regard "Shark Attack 3: Megaladon" as the worst film ever made. Others say "PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE" by the infamous Ed Wood can't be toppled from its throne as the worst ever film.

I've never seen those efforts, although the Ed Wood film sounds interesting, but Seven Mummies would certainly take some beating as an exceptionally appalling piece of film-making.

Check it out at your own peril if it is currently haunting your local DVD store...