the place where i'm at right now.

it's the place far back in the deep recesses of my mind. i don't like to go there, but sometimes i must. situations arise that take me back there. people pop up that make me revisit times and places and memories.

it's not a pretty place to be. there are dark secrets there. there are haunting memories that you'd rather not know ever existed, but you can't undo them. there are the lies that you tell yourself, sometimes every day, but only for a fleeting moment, because you can't stay "there" for very long and continue functioning in any kind of a "normal" way.

this is the place that holds the deepest regrets of our lives. the what if's and if only's. it's the destination for all that water under the bridge that you can't go back and change course.

i've been there for two days now, and i've come back to "reality" for a few minutes here and there. at times i want to get away, to escape reality for a while, but this isn't the destination i would pick.

i have more than a few situations causing me to go there right now. some of my choosing, some not. most of the ones of my choosing i'm also choosing to act upon - to force myself to not have to go there again. the situations that aren't of my choosing, i hope that time lessens the pain of the trips i'm taking back there.

i'm numb. a bit despondent. fearful. worried, of course. some of these situations i have at least some control over in the literal sense. in the figurative sense...i'm not yet sure...

i know that a few of you know one of the situations. sorry, but for those of you who don't know, i can't say any more. but there's absolutely nothing i can do about it.

my husband knows about it. and yet tonight he looks at me as i lay sobbing on the bed and asks what's wrong. i said that i'm just upset. he says, "about ___?" and i say yes, the same thing i was upset over yesterday and the same thing that i'm likely to be crying about for some time to come" and i'm thinking 'how can you not know this?' this is big.

so later tonight, after i've stopped crying for a while and i'm sitting on the patio he says "have i done something to make you mad?" so i told him "what is it about me being so upset over this that you can't understand?"

what's apparent to me is that, even tho this one situation concerns one of my children's physical and emotional well being, he seems to have no interest in it whatsoever. or no emotional attachment to it, or me, or the child.

i'm beginning to wonder if he has any emotional attachments to anyone or anything outside of his tv, his computer and his games.

when i first told him of the issue over the phone, he said "aww" and said that yes, he could pick the baby girl up at school. i was too upset to drive.

then last night i got one teeny hug from him.

no conversation about it, no hand holding, no shoulder to cry on.

and there's been lots of crying off and on over the last 35 hours. but no sympathy from him.

daddy cried with me over the phone a bit last night, and has called to check on us and inquire about the situation a few times.

were mu husband in this situation i'd be right there crying with him.

i don't understand his complacency here. i don't know if he's capable of emotion beyond a quick peck in the morning and a "love you", not an "i love you" mind you. like it's something on a grocery list...chicken, bread, milk, drinks...oh, love you. bye.

i know he can't read my mind, and i don't expect him to. but god, when your spouse is this upset, don't you think you'd be a little more attentive. and i've told him the problem a number of times.

i know that i have love and good wishes and hand holding from those of you who know, and it helps, it truly does. but what i'd really like is to be wrapped up in the arms of someone who really loves me, who really cares, so that i could sob it out when i need to, or, as the case has been, when i have these frequent breakdowns and am in need of comfort. it doesn't matter to me if they understand it or not, just that they offer their love and support.

isn't that what married people are supposed to do, or am i wrong?

again i say, i just don't get it. some things, i don't know if i ever will.