what a week. what a blazingly hard week. i've had a number of things taht I wanted to write down here over the last week, but due to connectivity issues/apple talk arguments, the writing has been postponed. its not always easy to pick up the threads of thoughts from 4 days ago.

the first thing i remember about this week is adjectives. one morning a word came to me as i was getting ready - "lithe" I am lithe today. and so i was. i was as lithe as i can be - considering i am not in an agile form. the next morning the word that came to me was "strong". so that day, i was strong. at some point i caught myself sculking through the day and actually told my self "you have a choice; to play at being weak or to be strong." it was a strange day. no other words have come to me like that.

the second was that i realized something that was irksome. i am made of stuff like a lead cook pot or copper nail. things that look functional, but are actually malleable, defeating the purpose. This is irksome because many years ago i made a choice to be whole. not that i was whole at that time, but that i would stop actions that were taking away from the whole that is cat, and only act to gain the integrity of the whole. Now i find I'm leaking, bending, breaking, notwithstanding.

so i said to myself, self -- you should start finding forms that lend themselves to your nature. apparently i was not changing myself, only my shape. so how do i find a shape that lends its self to my nature, which is by its nature malleable, changing, bending, breaking its integrity?

[great metaphor - but how to carry it out?]

i don't know how they go as revelations (or revolutions) but these things keep floating up to me. so i thought i would write them down.

on an aside note- it turns out that this is not the first journal i have ever kept. i found an old one back from my high school composition class. i was thinking about posting some of it up here.