Birthdays are honestly painful affairs for me. Spending 16 years of my life never ever really celebrating them results in me not really seeing a difference in that day with any other day. To be honest, seeing so many surprises made for so many other classmates within this short frame of time, it worries me further to ponder if the same kind of arrangements would occur.

Which leads me to my next question. Who are my friends? As in, who will be doing it because they value me as a friend and who will be doing it for formality's sake? This feeling I have comes from the gut, and it tells me that behind each and everyone of them, there is someone, or maybe 2 someones who are probably gonna do it because they probably have to. I'm paranoid, I feel. But that doesn't stop me from irrationally trusting my gut. Just as how the sun rising tomorrow is clearly irrational, people still choose to believe it because the converse is harder to accept.

All through this year I've been searching for the meaning of a true friend and along the way I've made mistakes, sacrifices, did things that, perhaps, even I would feel disgusted by. Fuck. Its like reading Gatsby, Great Ex, whichever you prefer. Reading my life from a first person's point of view (duh) provides not only intimacy, but at the same time, it adds mystery because all you can do is make deductive guesses of what others are thinking by observation. But human defenses are so potent, we are quick to mask those intents with a facade; that this first person perspective only works if you're foolish enough to feel happy with what you see and not learn to doubt.

I'm puzzled by human behaviour, and that's fucking tiring cause I tend to want to find out everything I can. Which means I've been going in circles, going in big rounds to get to where I started from. Perhaps it is time I hit some enlightenment of some sort, some revelation or something. Otherwise, God, please, if ignorance is a bliss, I'd love to be a fool.