I'm in pain because I sprained my right thumb. Luckily I'm left handed. Well, let's word it right - Doug sprained my thumb. He sat on it accidentally while we were sliding into a booth at Outback Steakhouse Wedn. night. I didn't move fast enough - or he moved too fast. So this is my last hurrah of typing for a few days so it can rest and heal. So much emotionally going on this week that I am just now sorting it out. I have been short of sleep since Tuesday - saw the Lord of the Rings "Trilogy" and have been operating on much less sleep since then.

Doug told me Thursday night that we had missed some papers from the doctor that needed to be notarized. Although this is very frustrating, no big deal he explained - as long as it's 4 or less documents, he can just run up to Lansing quickly next week without an appointment. No biggee. I was very sad about this and panicked, but it only put us off a few days.

He called me today after returning from Lansing. BIG problem. My letter of employment from the school district was rejected by the Great Seal-er because it was notarized improperly. Okay, so here's the situation - 12:30 on a Friday before Christmas break. First realization... we now have to make an appointment in Lansing for paperwork. First day available is the 30th. so now we're out 2 weeks from when we wanted to send paperwork out. 2 weeks may not sound like much, but it is when you're talking referrals. That puts us from February into March, in my mind.

Second, I realize I have to have it re-notarized; and the Board Office is closed the weeks of break. Now that puts us in the week of Jan. 5 before I can get ahold of someone. I don't know if you've ever had the urge to spit nails and throw something against a wall, but that was me about 4 hours ago. It was my district's fault, and now we'd be a MONTH behind when we wanted to send.

Lots of swearing and teeth-gnashing later, I attempt to grab some straws of sanity and realize that Doug can fax stuff to the Board Office. He did so, with a wonderful DEMAND that it be done TODAY and that I would be in to pick it up. Luckily, it was done. Then I went to the doctor's and picked up THAT stuff. So we have all the corrected paperwork... we now just have to wait for ANOTHER appointment in Lansing. And Doug has to take ANOTHER day off work.

Well, there's a lot more to this. I don't know if you, gentle reader, know me well enough to understand my emotional mood swings. The week before Christmas break, dealing with 160 middle-schoolers, preparing for a major religious holiday with both sets of families... not a good time to pile stress on me. Especially fighting a sore throat and now a sprained thumb. I snapped.

Here's what I hate - things being out of my control. Not that I'm a "control freak" - but it bothers me when I have to depend on other people to do things before I can do the things I need to do. When my life is at the mercy and whim of an idiotic notary public. That bothers the s*$% out of me. And so I think - who is in control of life? Why do these things have to happen TO me? This was something that I always struggled with in my teen and college years - feeling like things were happening TO me, and I wasn't a willing participant.

I HATE that I have to sit and wait for things to happen. If it's 2 weeks later - oh well. Not that I have other commitments and a life to lead. 2-6 weeks is such a BROAD time - it could be January, it could be MARCH before we get a referral now. And March is bad. I do NOT want to wait that long - it screws up everything. I won't be able to coach swimming - and I'll lose the position. I don't think people close to me realize that. I have a long-term sub lined up that is thinking she can take over my classroom in February or start of March at the latest - who knows?

I HATE that because of one stupid, irresponsible school employee my carefully laid, somewhat-flexible plans could be shot to hell. And then I enter the blame game - and start going backward. Whose letter was screwed up? MINE. Whose medical background had to be checked, delaying our application to the State? MINE. Whose letter of reference for the homestudy was not acceptable, so we had to find another one? MINE. And then let's go further - Whose body is preventing me from getting pregnant? MINE.

Oh, so we hit the bottom now. The crux of the matter, so to speak. Why are we in this mess? When anything goes wrong, who is at the root of the problem? ME. And now I want to go further... now I want to start a "pity party." Even when we have a child, whose life changes the most? MINE. Who has to decide between work and parenthood, or figure out how to balance both? ME. Who has to quit grad school because of time, money, and lack of need? ME. Who will now have to do the most abhorrent of household chores - shopping for groceries and cleaning the bathtub? ME. :)

So as you can see, adopting ain't that much fun. At least pregnant people, they have a time to shoot for - within a couple weeks. If you go too far over a due date, doctors induce. The End. You have a child. You know when the misery will end, you know when your life is going to change.
With us, we have a generalization - sometime before May. But in the meantime, continue on with your life like normal. And when a letter or the call comes - you have to drop everything, cut everything off immediately, and become an instant parent.

But no pressure.